A Toast To The Future

29th May, 2020 - Blog

Morning all! How’s it going?

It’s yet again a sunny day in Southend-On-Sea, and with our apartment being on the seafront we’ve got the breeze rolling in.

Anyway, this week has been a tough one. We laid my dear Grandad to rest earlier this week, and our little cherub has been a bit on the demanding side (although you wouldn’t have thought it from this photo).

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently. The world is an incredibly scary place, and maybe that’s what made me feel a little more introspective, looking to things that I can change and improve.

For one, I need to improve my opinion of myself – or at least stop confusing it for the way other people see me. I’ve suffered somewhat of an extended identity crisis in some way for what feels like my entire life, and I think being stuck inside during this lockdown made the points of foolish comparison I’d drawn in my head feel even more unwarranted.

It sometimes takes stepping back to get some perspective, and in doing so I was able to see how good my life is. I’ve got my soulmate, I’ve got my dream job, and I’ve got a perfect, happy, healthy little boy that I’d do anything for. In truth, nothing else really matters.

This week was also a timely reminder that I’ve wasted a great deal of my time trying to stay relevant to people. I think there’s a saying that says something along the lines of “if you think everyone has the same heart as you, you’re likely to be disappointed”, and while I’m not perfect, I know I put a lot of stock into checking up on friends and their loved ones. I don’t do that for reciprocation, but a little love the other way never hurts anyone.

Just as I’m learning to make peace with letting people go, I’m learning to do the same with things in my past. For the last few months, I’ve just felt like I’ve been in some constant state of rage, both on a personal and national level. But politics aside, many of the things I was angry about simply cannot be changed. I can’t change how I was treated at Reach any more than I can change how people have treated me in the past, or any more than I can control the weather. It’s just negative energy that I’m thankful I’ve been able to jettison over the last few weeks and turn into something more positive.

So here’s me, thirty-years-old and with the sudden realisation that “only anchors can keep me from moving forward“, the knowledge that I don’t need to be liked or loved by everyone, and the energy and dedication to enjoy just being… well, me.

It’s OK to love yourself, just not in public places.

Thanks for reading, yes, even you,